What's Your Attachment?

Attachment theory is often divided into three categories: Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure. Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. have collaborated on an influential book called Attached, a key tool for anyone seeking or involved in adult/romantic relationships. Their final chapter, Working Things Out pg. 243., describes scenarios and problem-solving techniques for conflict resolution in romantic relationships. Our attachment styles often show up when a situation makes us uncomfortable, and instead of being vulnerable or curious, we jump to conclusions or put up our walls of protection. The Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict (and used by securely attached individuals) are:

• Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
• Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
• Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
• Be willing to engage.
• Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

As a therapist, you can use this book and the tools it provides to help your clients better understand their attachment style, conflict resolution, and what to look for (green flags) or avoid (smoking guns) in a partner.

Attached.

The New Science of Adult Attachment and
How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love"A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship".
John Gray, Ph.D., bestselling author of "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

Purchase the Book

Who’s Your Secure Attachment Figure?

Most readers have a human-animal bond that brings them joy, love, affection, and secure attachment. Huh? Yes, your doggo or kitty may be your best example of a secure attachment. Your cat decides to nibble on your plant. You get irritated, but don’t punish your cat; redirect and find a safer place for your plant. Even when your animal companion does something, you know it isn’t to hurt or spite you. You see the compassion and unconditional love for them. Animal relationships can teach us a lot.

Are you curious and want to learn more about your attachment style? At Attachment Project, you can learn more. Click below to be taken to their Attachment Style Quiz.

So I've read the book, taken the quiz, and might be freaking out a little. What now?

As you start this new self-discovery path, it can feel overwhelming. Please give yourself patience and compassion. We are all imperfect humans, and we are here to learn how to grow and make meaningful connections. Learning and practicing new skills takes time and mindful intention. Find the people and animals in your life who already demonstrate what a secure attachment looks like. Even securely attached people do work in their relationships and don't just naturally get there without any effort. Ask them questions, practice conflict resolution, and observe how they treat others and the language they use.

Find moments for your mindfulness practice. Snuggle up with your companion animal, listen to their breathing, and observe their calm muscle tone. What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you notice in your body? How does spending these few moments at rest with yourself and your companion animal feel? Maybe your breathing has slowed, and you are feeling more calmer. Taking breaks throughout the day to reach this state of calm will help your mind and body learn how to get here, so when moments of distress arise, you can use these tools to bring yourself back into a calm state. You have created a space to mindfully communicate with your loved one.

Integrating Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

As an MSW intern, I'm learning to support clients with various therapy skills. I recently took a training on integrating all three of these skills (MI/CBT/DBT), and am now working on bringing it into my practice. One important thing for me to be aware of is where my clients are at in their change, as this will direct me to which therapeutic model I will use. If a client is coming to me with a problem and is in the pre-contemplation or Contemplation stages of change, then utilizing MI would be best. Once the client reaches the preparation stage, using all three (MI/CBT/DBT) is appropriate. Once the client has moved into the action stage, CBT and DBT become the therapies to use.

There has been a shift in how we perceive the "relapse" stage, reframing it as a reoccurrence, meaning a place of learning and reflecting. Helping clients see their "failings" as strengths in their healing is vital for supporting them in building their resilience.

First
Attempt
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Learning

Before this training, I received minimal instruction on what DBT was and how to utilize it. Below, I'll summarize the notes I took to help me better understand and start using DBT in my practice.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy has four skill components.

1. Mindfulness
2. Interpersonal Communication
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Distress Tolerance

Two different ideas can be true at the same time. "Both...And..." alters the client and therapist to think and behave more flexibly, an essential component of responsive mental health.

Examples of both/and in DBT are:

• You are doing the best you can, and you can do better.
• It makes sense that things have occurred that have caused the problems in your life, and you need to solve them anyway.
• You want to improve your life, and you need new skills and behaviors to do it.

Wise Mind, what is it, and how do we find it? I sometimes think of myself as quite logical, being able to reason with myself. But then, I find myself so confused with these emotions that I try to hide them from myself and others. My emotional mind and rational mind sometimes play tricks on me, where my executive functioning skills suddenly go caput. I worry, make assumptions about others' perceptions of me, and dread setting in with the "what ifs" and fears of rejection. At this moment, I'm dysregulated and wondering why there is so much self-doubt. I try to fact-find, using my rational mind to balance out my emotional mind, but it just doesn't seem to be working.

Can you, the reader, see how I'm spiraling? Maybe you are wondering if some DBT will help me here to find my Wise Mind. I can tell myself, "I am doing the best I can, and I can do better," and I can incorporate some mindfulness. So, I pull out my oracle deck (Wisdom of the Oracle by Colette Baron-Reid) and slow my breathing, closing my eyes and focusing on my dilemma, asking for wisdom and guidance. The card I pull is Peace, and the message I receive is

This is one of those times when you're capable of Clear Vision about your work and how you create your prosperity. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. You're called by a presence to step into your power. Just being is enough for you are in peaceful harmony with spirit, and it shows in your work.

I needed this message. I took out my journal and reflected on what this meant for me. Feeling calmer and clearer, I was able to rest my mind and get ready for a restful night. This is one tool in my toolbox I use to find my Wise Mind. Many other options may or may not work for me, or they may work for one situation and not the next. My homework is to start making an easily accessible list (hello Notes app on my phone); remember to reference it during these times of emotional spirals.