Caregiving for Our Loved Ones (Humans and Animals)

Being in a caregiving role, either with a human or animal, comes with many new experiences that may elicit many emotions, uncertainties, fears, and isolation.

Last week, I introduced the six types of loss: disenfranchised, anticipatory, ambiguous, compound or cumulative, traumatic, and complicated/Prolonged Grief Disorder. Caregiving is closely tied to anticipatory loss due to there being an expectation of death. There is also a secondary loss of change due to health/medical status and the aging process. Grief experienced during the caregiving process with the anticipation of your loved one dying does not make bereavement shorter nor easier once they have died. 

Compounding factors make pet-related bereavement complicated. Often, we invest a lot of money into the care of our animal companions, or we don’t have the money to afford the treatment and care we’d like to provide for our animals. There are a lot of medical choices to be made, and often, we don’t know all of the choices or options we may have. Your pet might be symbolically linked to a person, relationship, or time in life. In recent decades, companion animals have become increasingly identified as children, best friends, or primary sources of support.

Finding and identifying your support network may be challenging because some people may show up differently than expected. Writing a list of people around you and placing them into each of the following categories will help you get the support you need. 

• Doer- someone who will go grocery shopping, do house cleaning, carpool kids to school, etc.
• Listener- someone comfortable with listening and holding space for you without providing unwanted advice.
• Respite- someone who can make you laugh and give you a mental/emotional break from caregiving; someone who can take over the caregiving while you take a break with some self-care (shower, alone time, walk, spa…).
• Ghoster- someone you thought would reach out and be there for you, but hasn’t. These people may not have the capacity or the necessary skills to be there for you during this difficult time. 

The following is a modified list of guidelines and considerations when you find out your companion animal has been diagnosed with a terminal illness (How to Cope When Your Pet Is Ill – Veterinary Teaching Hospital, n.d.)

 Strategies to consider when receiving a diagnosis:

• Take notes while hearing all the treatment options, and write down your questions and concerns. Remembering everything can be very difficult, especially if you are in an emotional state. Writing down topics you’ve discussed and your concerns will help you keep things straight. Discuss them with your veterinarian.
• Consider keeping a daily caregiving journal to track your emotions and actions, how your animal is doing, and specific health observations.
• Bring a friend or family member to appointments to help you hear what is said. Emotional situations can blur one’s perception of information.
• Ask if a treatment decision needs to be made immediately. If it doesn’t, allow yourself some time to make sense of what is happening and discuss options with supportive people around you.
• Reflect on how you’ve made difficult decisions in the past. Who supported you through those times? Call on those people to help you now.
• Do research on your own. Ask your veterinarian for trusted and reliable informational websites and resources to help you gain additional knowledge.
• Define what your greatest hopes and concerns are. Discuss these with your veterinarian.
• Consider treatment expenses and realistically identify how this will financially impact your life.
• Consider your pet’s quality of life. How will treatment options impact your pet’s quality versus the quantity of life?
• Consider your own quality of life. It is important to ask yourself:
  • How much of my time will go toward taking care of my pet? How much time do I have to spare?
  • What cost will I incur to take care of my pet? What other financial responsibilities do I have?
  • What other responsibilities do I have in my life (job, parenting)? Who else do I need to consider (partner, children, other pets)?
  • Who can help me?
  • What other stresses and obligations do I have in my life right now?
• Take care of yourself. Eat healthy meals and get enough rest. It is essential to care for yourself as you prepare to care for an ill pet, which is often an emotionally and physically demanding endeavor.
• Remember, when you consider what is best for you, your family, and your pet, any decision you make will be the right one. There are no wrong treatment options.

As you can see, there are many considerations as a caregiver, and you don’t have to go through all of these alone. Finding a veterinary social worker who specializes in supporting caregivers during these challenging times will help you through all of these. Knowledge and informed decisions can help you through your caregiving and bereavement journey. Follow the link to find out more about Assessing Quality of Life and End of Life Care by Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center.

Emotional Realities of Being a Caregiver

by Jennifer Ciccarelli on October 24

On Monday, my dog was at a new groomer that I had mindfully picked out due to their dedication to being a fear-based practice. I was eager to finish some work while waiting for him, so I walked nearly six blocks in the rain to find a comfortable spot to eat lunch and work. A short time into my lunch, I got a missed call and then a text message from the groomer letting me know that my dog had been cut, was bleeding a lot, and I needed to come pick them up and take them to the vet. With my heart racing and mind wondering about the worst-case scenario, I quickly packed my belongings and lunch and grabbed an Uber back to the groomer. What I forgot to mention earlier was that the work I was doing was reading about animal caregiver experiences, which now was flooding my heart and mind.

Being a reasonably new caretaker to my two-year-old dog named Brutus, I find myself second-guessing a lot of my care decisions for him. What is the correct food to feed him? Should I be or not be taking him to dog parks? Is he getting enough stimulation throughout the day? Is this boarding facility appropriate and safe for him? Most recently, I wondered if finding him a new groomer would be suitable because I wasn’t thrilled with the previous business I was taking him to. I wanted to find a place that would have more consistency with who was grooming him and is fear-free certified. Hence, I wanted to ensure he was getting the best care possible. See, he isn’t just my dog or pet; he is my companion animal who is part of my family, my baby, my emotional support animal, and his wellness is vital to me being able to provide for him.

I was now tasked with my dog's first medical emergency; he was bleeding, I needed to get to him quickly, and my mind went into overdrive. I started second-guessing the caregiver choices I made for him and wondering all of the what-ifs. It’s a human response to go through this internal dialogue, and I knew I didn’t have enough information yet to make all these assumptions. Fortunately, his bleeding stopped when I picked him up, and his regular vet clinic could see him immediately with a text reminding me to “drive safely.” I slowed my thoughts, thought of the importance of safely getting my dog to the vet, and gathered a few new facts. 1. He had stopped bleeding. 2. He wasn’t crying out in pain. 3. My vet was around 15 minutes away and able to see him immediately. I allowed myself to calm down and be more present and calming for my dog as I drove him to the vet clinic.

In the end, he needed stitches and was put under anesthesia. To my relief, the groomer communicated with me throughout the process and took care of the medical costs. Their quick action, kindness, and professionalism assured me that I had made the right decision in bringing my dog to their dog grooming business and that he was indeed in good hands. I thanked the groomer for their support and kindness and provided them with reassurance on how Brutus was doing after surgery. 

And as Breezer once said, “Guilt is what you humans do to punish yourselves for not being perfect.” - (2005 B Brothers Press, edited by Doug Koktavy).